| New Chapter |
[17 Jun 2011|11:56am] |
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I haven't updated my journal in what feels like way too long. I frequently come to write something and either end up diverting my attention else where or just think what's the point. But as of now so much has changed AND there is so much going on that I cannot find myself not willing to want to pour some thoughts onto here.
Let's see, where do I begin?
I am no longer with Patrick since January 1st of this new year. And from the start of that there has been a rapid movement forward from my life. I have lost many friends because of that relationship. Maybe it was the lack of self worth he made me feel and it reflected in my attitude and my whole persona over all. Maybe it drove people to hate the person I was...I often hated that person I had became. Now more so than ever I feel like I'm back to who I once was. Long before all my bad choices and life long errors that led to a lot of grief and drastic payments. At that time I guess I believed I deserved less than what I was getting, which wasn't much. I was dealing with a lot of abandonment issues inside and outside of my relationship. So as a result I excluded myself from a lot of life's offerings. Including friends and family, even some of the perks life had, like having a job or going out to enjoy some nice weather. In a sense I feel like I am still over coming all of that, but it's all a process I'm dealing with and trying to overcome.
In November of 2010 things started to change. A lot of emotions I had lost came to surface again and a lot courage I thought I didn't have seemed to sprout. All because I met someone who changed my views on a lot of ways I was living. We had met a year prior and always had a down played friendship. Around Summer of last year we became more well acquainted. Forcing me to be more out going I started attending bars and summer parties with him and a small clique I later on became particularly close with as well. It was all fun and games, but what I hadn't realized was that I was falling in love with someone whom I had thought I could never have. Later on come to find out we both had mutual feelings for each other. We became so close throughout the couple months we endured keeping a secret. Shortly after my break up with Patrick when I told him everything and how I had really been feeling for months, Jonnie (my friend at the time) and I moved to Staten Island for a brief period. To remove ourselves from a lot of the banter any relationship we had going was getting from peers and people who were unknowing of the situation.
Shortly into our stay in Staten Island with a friend of ours we decided we would make things official. We were head over heels for each other and we felt there was no need to hide these emotions any longer. During my time there I was enrolling into college, finding a job, and doing particularly well for myself, while Jonnie worked a construction job in Manhattan. Push came to shove and we decided our stay in Staten Island was played out and came back to Long Island. A couple weeks into our stay with his parents in April of this year I had learned I was pregnant. And now am 13 weeks into this exciting point in my life. Jonnie and myself are both very eager to become parents and it's going to be quite a journey. I guess which is why I feel the need to maintain my journal again. Maybe so I can clear my thoughts of a lot of things that race through it most of the time.
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(2 kills | muerto)
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[11 Apr 2009|04:00pm] |
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I'm feeling so good as of lately, I feel like I have my head in the right place and I'm on to greater things.
Thank you life for finally looking up. :D
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(muerto)
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[17 Feb 2009|12:59am] |
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I found this and it made my sick day that much better
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(muerto)
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[15 Feb 2009|10:14pm] |
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So about two days ago I started getting a sore throat. Thought it was no big deal and let it go. Just assumed it was sore due to my loud drunkenness. Yesterday the pain went away on the left side and the right side was in a pretty great deal of pain. So I got a flash light and looked down my throat to see that my right tonsil was covered in a bunch of blood and puss. The pain wasn't too bad so I started poking at it with the end of my tooth brush. When I did it a huge blast of puss and blood squirted across my mouth out of my tonsil. I brushed my teeth and rinsed it out with peroxide.
Valentines' Day I went to my sister's house for a little get together with my dad, Pat, and her. My mom happened to be there so I had her check my throat since she's a nurse. As soon as she looked at it she cringed and told me to see a doctor. Considering I have no medical insurance that was out of the question. I went home and fell asleep and woke up to a greater deal of pain that it made me cry. I could hardly talk and my tonsil was excessively swollen. I spoke to my mom later on in the day and she agreed to come bring my some chicken noodle soup, but with no soda on the side D:. She told me she spoke to the doctor that she works for and both of them agreed that it was an abscess. Which is basically a pocket in my tonsil that keeps filling with blood and puss. The swelling behind it will eventually become so severe that it will push my tonsil towards the middle of my throat and close off.
So Pat and I both agreed that tomorrow I'll go to the emergency room after he gets home from work. Until then I'll keep taking aleve to relieve the swelling and pain. My mom told me once I get to the ER to call her so she can come and stay by my side since the procedure is going to be particularly painful. They're going to either cut open my tonsil to drain the abscess or jab a needle into it to do that. I might have to get my tonsils removed. But the good thing about going to the hospital is that because I have no insurance they can't turn me away and they'll take care of all the expenses.
I'm going to go watch my shows and pass out, my body is under a lot of stress and I'm so tired because of it. So goodnight ljers.<3
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(2 kills | muerto)
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[13 Dec 2008|06:27pm] |
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Grandma and Titi's visit turned out to be very pleasent. I thought they were going to come out here and make me inferior like they usually do. Remind me that I'm not doing anything with my life and blahblahblah. But everything went smooth. We talked, laughed, remenisced. And in the end they really liked Pat which is great. My aunt couldn't stop talking about how hot he was once we got in the car to go to Target for a good 10 minutes. It's nice knowing that people are like "they're a bunch of good looking kids making a good looking couple" instead of "What the fuck is SHE doing with HIM?!" My grandma told me she can tell I'm a lot happier than the last time she saw me and it totally made her Christmas. I'm glad, that she's glad that I'm glad haha.
We spent a couple of hours in Target kind of aimlessly walking around and filling up time. My grandma bought herself some stuff for the Christmas tree and my aunt bought some stuff for her vacation. At the end when they dropped me off they handed me some early Christmas cash. I kind of didn't want them to go, knowing that I probably won't seem them again for a while. But it was nice to have a good visit by them and not having them tell me what they personally think about how I could be bettering myself. I know they do it out of love and compassion, and nothing is ever good enough for me in a good way. But still I don't like to hear complaining. I think the time apart though made them really miss me to the point they didn't even care they were just happy to see me. As I was to see them. :)
Life is so good.
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(muerto)
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[07 Dec 2008|10:41pm] |
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My man makes my insides melt in a good way (:
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(muerto)
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